The path toward surrender as a leader
My husband and I made a large-scale move back to our hometown of Racine, Wis. four years ago. It was spurred by two things: a job opportunity for my husband, and my feelings of isolation during Covid. These were compounded by the fact that I had been dreaming of raising our children near our extended family for quite some time. When the opportunity arose and these factors converged, we made the move.
As we unpacked boxes in our new suburban home, family all around us to help us settle and transition our three young kids, I thought we had reached a new level of joy, a new level of comfort. My dreams, after all, had come true.
The first six months of living in Wisconsin were bliss. I had a beautiful home, grandparents around to help with the kids, a quintessential wintery northern landscape. It couldn’t be better.
After about six months, I woke up and realized I was still the same Ashley. I could move to a new house, a new state, and a new climate, and I would still battle the same inner demons that I had been battling for years. Now, however, I was deeply disappointed as I had pinned many of my hopes and dreams on this new change of circumstances. Not only was my life NOT better than before, it was actually harder. Now I had to make new friends and navigate new challenges.
From there, I hit a stage in life known as, “The Wall.”
I have recently learned this is a popular term for a common stage in life. Whether a Christian or not, this stage is what it sounds: a place on life’s journey where one stops abruptly, cannot move forward, and questions what the heck this is life even about? It’s characterized by feelings of depression, confusion, hopelessness, fatigue, and loss and is often triggered by grief, burnout, disillusionment or personal crisis.
My personal crisis was triggered by my inability to find joy in my circumstances. No matter what I changed, tried, quit, or started, I couldn’t strive more, work harder, or discover anything that would fill that deep void and gap that I was feeling inside. I had to face that truth.
I thought that I could achieve the things of the world myself. I thought I was in charge. I thought I could be my own god. Relying on myself. Holding tight to my own ego.
I loved God. I pursued God, I desired him. I read scripture, I tried to love others, but still I lived each day for myself. I wanted it the way I wanted it. I moved in the directions I decided were best for myself. I truly believed I could and should find my own happiness and threw tantrums when I couldn’t seem to attain what I wanted. This was idolatry. This was what we call sin.
Then BAM, The Wall. Because it couldn’t go on that way. God is too good and too loving to leave me in my sinful state, away from him. This was a call to surrender. To let go of myself as my own idol and to trust God in deeper ways.
This, however, is a daily battle. There is an enemy who continues to thwart God’s good plans by telling lies. I constantly fight to dispel those lies and to believe truth instead. There is victory each and every day, and I am getting stronger and more courageous.
Patrick, in his podcast #176, shares his powerful story on how he overcame The Wall. He left us with three significant truths that I’d like to highlight here:
Each day is both good and challenging. The more we stand up and fight against the lies of the enemy, striving to obey God’s commandment to love him and to love others, the stronger we become. There is hope in knowing that we can trust God to take care of us, as he says to Joshua, “Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed, the Lord will fight for you everywhere you go.” (Josh. 1:9)
Part of surrender is recognizing our position before a holy God. It’s recognizing that we are made in his image to glorify him, but we are not made to be our own gods. When we think of ourselves more highly than we ought, we end up creating large messes, feeling discouraged, and giving up when we hit The Wall. Instead, if we humble ourselves before God, he is faithful to forgive and to heal us of our hurts and the damage that we’ve done.
Trusting the Lord looks like giving up control. It looks like letting go of how tightly we hold to the things we think we need, or the success we think we must have, the striving we think is necessary, and the behaviors we deem are righteous on their own. Joy comes after we recognize that the only one we can trust is God, then we choose to trust him with all areas of our lives.
Being a leader requires great responsibility. It requires a leader to lay down his or her life for others. It requires a leader to lay down his or her life at the feet of God.
Please don’t let yourself drift off alone in the world, striving to be a good leader and miss this. Don’t hit The Wall and stay there. Reach out to Patrick and the IOL team to guide you in surrendering your life to God. It is the only way.
This post is loosely based on IOL Podcast #176: Man in the Mirror. Check it out!
I want to thank Patrick and the rest of the IOL team for this extraordinary opportunity to write blogs for IOL. I have gleaned loads of valuable wisdom along the way, and have thoroughly enjoyed sharing my own life lessons, insights, and words on the blog. It’s truly been a pleasure. I am moving on to pursue a career of writing Biblical fiction and wish all the IOL readers and listeners the best. Thank you so much!
Written by Ashley Buenger:


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