Stick To The Facts Not The Feelings

  There are seasons in life when it feels like you’re standing in the middle of a rope—hands clenched, feet dug in, muscles tense—being pulled in two opposite directions. On one end: control, pride, fear, anger, self‑reliance. On the other: surrender, trust, humility, grace, faith. And every day, whether we admit it or not, we step into the game. We tell ourselves that holding tighter will keep things from falling apart. But in relationships—at home and at work—gripping the rope often shifts the goal from saving the relationship to winning the moment. That’s how love turns into leverage and partnership turns into pressure.   The Weight of Control   Control feels powerful at first. It whispers: “I’ve got this.” “No one else will do it right.” “If I let go, everything will fall apart.” But control is exhausting. It turns conversations into competitions and collaboration into compliance. Over time, the very people you want to protect end up on the opposite end of the rope, bracing against you. Marriages become standoffs. Kids retreat. Teams disengage. You start to “win” arguments while losing connection, trust, and peace. The hard truth is this: winning while losing your peace, your family, and your integrity isn’t winning at all.   The Lie We Believe   Many of us—especially leaders—are taught that winning is everything: win the argument, win the deal, win the outcome. So we pull harder. We justify harsh words because “the truth needed to be said.” We excuse anger because “stress made me do it.” We defend behavior because “they deserved it.” But most conflicts aren’t about truth; they’re about ego. Pride masquerades as conviction. Scripture cuts through the fog: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). If God stands against pride, there’s no version of “winning” through pride that doesn’t end in loss.   The Moment the Rope Reveals You   Every tug‑of‑war has a breaking point. Sometimes it looks like silence at the dinner table, a child pulling away, a marriage hanging by a thread, or a mirror that reflects someone you swore you’d never become. That’s the moment the rope stops being external and becomes internal. You see the real fight isn’t against your spouse, your child, or your team—it’s the war inside you. Control promises safety; pride promises strength. But both leave you isolated and tired. Surrender, by contrast, sounds like weakness—and turns out to be the beginning of real strength.   What Surrender Actually Is (and Isn’t)   Surrender does not mean giving up, becoming passive, or silencing your voice. Surrender is choosing to drop the rope—releasing the demand to be right, to control outcomes, to carry everything alone. It sounds like: “I don’t have to be right to be at peace.” “I don’t have to control outcomes to be secure.” “I don’t have to carry this alone.” Biblically, surrender looks like humility: “In humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3) and “Humble yourselves… under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time” (1 Peter 5:6–7). The paradox is stunning: when you stop pulling, tension leaves the room and trust reenters.   What Happens When You Humble Yourself   When you choose humility over pride, several things change—often quickly: Defensiveness drops; curiosity rises. You start asking questions instead of delivering verdicts (Proverbs 18:13). Tone softens; hearts open. “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Empathy grows. You see the person across from you as a whole person, not a problem to solve (Colossians 3:12–14). God’s grace meets you. “He gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Grace is not just pardon; it’s power to change. Peace returns. Not because circumstances are perfect, but because you’re no longer trying to be God in your own life (Matthew 11:28–29).   Your situation may still be complicated, but your heart is no longer at war.   Leadership in the Middle of the Rope   You cannot lead well when you’re constantly pulling. Leadership fueled by control creates fear. Leadership fueled by surrender creates trust. The best leaders aren’t the ones who pull the hardest; they’re the ones humble enough to say, “I need help. I was wrong. Let’s do this together.” You can only give what you have—and when your hands are clenched around the rope, you have nothing left to give but tension. Healthy teams and families are built on secure leaders, not controlling ones.   When to Fight for Your Beliefs—and When to Compromise   Choosing not to play tug of war doesn’t mean you abandon convictions. Some hills are worth defending:   Fight (with love and integrity) when: Conscience is at stake. When a decision violates your faith or moral clarity (Acts 5:29; Ephesians 6:13). Someone’s dignity or safety is threatened. When silence would enable harm (Proverbs 31:8–9). Integrity and truth are on the line. When deception or injustice requires a clear stand (Micah 6:8). Even then, fight like a follower of Christ—with gentleness, self‑control, and a willingness to suffer without sin (1 Peter 3:15–16; Galatians 5:22–23).   Compromise (or collaborate) when: It’s about preferences, not principles (style, timing, methods). Multiple good options exist and unity matters more than “my way” (Romans 14:19). You need new information or the other person needs to feel heard before progress can be made (James 1:19). A helpful test: If the disagreement is about pride, control, or image—compromise. If it’s about conscience, justice, or truth—stand, but stand like Jesus.   The Question That Changes Everything   So here’s the real question—not just for leaders, but for all of us: What rope are you still holding onto? Is it the need to win? The need to be right? The need to control outcomes, people, or perceptions? A pattern passed down through generations that you promised would stop with you? You don’t end the tug of war by pulling harder. You end it by letting go.   Action Items: How to Drop the Rope This Week   Practice a 90‑Second Pause. Before you respond, breathe and pray: “Lord, show me if I’m protecting my pride or this relationship.” If it’s pride, table the debate and ask one clarifying question instead (James 1:19). Listen to Understand, Not to Win. Use this prompt: “What I’m hearing you say is ___. Did I get that right?” Reflect back feelings as well as facts (Proverbs 20:5). Swap Weapons for Words of Peace. Replace “always/never/you should” with “I feel/When X happens/I need.” Keep your volume low and your face soft (Proverbs 15:1). Choose a Small Surrender Daily. Pick one control behavior to lay down (interrupting, over‑explaining, micromanaging). Tell your spouse or teammate which one you’re practicing today and invite accountability (James 5:16). Schedule Repair, Not Just Resolution. If you’ve pulled hard recently, own it without excuses: “I was wrong. I elevated winning over our relationship. Will you forgive me?” Then ask, “What would help rebuild trust?” (Matthew 5:23–24). Create a Shared Win. For recurring conflicts, define a win you both want: “What outcome honors both of us and the relationship?” Brainstorm three paths; pick one to try for a week and debrief together (Romans 12:18). Stay Rooted Spiritually. Start the day on your knees with hands open: “God, I surrender my pride and plans. Lead me.” Read a short passage (Philippians 2:1–11; Colossians 3:12–15) and carry one verse into your day. Reinforce with Community. Invite a trusted friend or mentor to ask you weekly: “Did you drop the rope?” Share one win and one do‑over. Growth accelerates with honest community (Hebrews 10:24–25).   Takeaway: Peace Over Pride   Peace doesn’t come from overpowering life. Joy doesn’t come from control. Peace comes from trust—trust in God, and trust cultivated through humility with people. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). The world will tell you to pull harder. Scripture invites you to drop the rope. On the other side of release is a different kind of strength—one that restores relationships, renews purpose, and finally allows you to breathe again.   You don’t save a relationship by proving you’re right. You save it by choosing love over pride, truth with gentleness over winning with force, and surrender over control. When you humble yourself, grace flows, trust returns, and God lifts you in due time (1 Peter 5:6–7). There’s a better way to lead, to parent, to love: not by winning the war—but by ending it.  

When Life Punches you in the Teeth Leading through crisis   I am not resilient.   When life gets hard, I usually do one of two things: I get angry and demonstrative, or I run away. Usually, I do the latter since it generally does less damage. Running away doesn’t mean literally hoofing it down the street and away from my life. Instead, I like to dress it up and call it, “making a change,” then I leave my job or move to a new city or put my children in a different school. Running away can also mean running TO a coping mechanism and abusing it by watching hours of Netflix, drinking copious amounts of coffee, or doom scrolling on social media.   None of these responses are very helpful, as you can imagine. While coping mechanisms are understandable and even beneficial in some circumstances, overusing them will not build resiliency.   Resilience is the ability to adapt and recover quickly from difficulties, trauma, stress and adversity. Luckily, it’s sold in pill form at the local Walgreens for $12.99 so there you go, blog over.   If only that were true.   Resiliency is built over time by being in situations that cause stress, anxiety, and fear, and, instead of running away, learning how to endure and thrive in them. A good leader has built resiliency in his or her own life and can therefore, successfully lead teams through the challenges that cause stress, fear and anxiety.   Tim Hanley is one of those leaders.   Tim successfully led his team of highly skilled accountants through one of the most unprecedented scandals of the century. Tim’s accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, closed its doors in 2001 after being indicted during the Enron Crisis. This left Tim’s team scrambling trying to find new jobs quickly. Instead of letting his good people get cherry-picked by other accounting firms around the city, Tim orchestrated a large scale move for his team to join Deloitte, another accounting firm, successfully saving many jobs and continuing the positive working dynamic that his team had established.   In the face of exorbitant adversity, Tim calmly created unity among his team, communicated the plan, casted vision for a positive change, and delivered on his promises. He was trustworthy, courageous and calm. His team followed him because of it.   On the IOL podcast, he shares a few key tips on how leaders can become more resilient in order to be better leaders:   Find a good mentor or role model: Resiliency doesn’t appear overnight. It comes from learning how to endure challenges while staying calm and leading from a place of confidence and assurance. To grow in this area, it’s important to have a role model—someone who is already doing this so you can see what it looks like. Follow that person’s example, and engage with them about situations, strategies and tactics.   Keep the crisis in perspective: Tim shares on the podcast that his brother was battling cancer during the time that he was fighting to keep his team together. He said that this helped him remember that his job and the jobs of those around him, while important, were not as important as other things in life. Putting the situation into perspective helped Tim stay calm and cool-headed in the face of his team’s strong reactions, reminding them that no matter what, it would be okay.   Be a trustworthy leader: A good leader is a servant-leader, one who thinks of others before himself or herself and who leads with empathy, compassion, and care. A leader who leads this way, quickly builds repertoire with others. In the face of a crisis, this repertoire is the foundation from which a team will follow that trusted leader wherever they may go. If a leader is not trustworthy, team members will be less inclined to follow.     Prioritize mental health in crisis: A leader cannot lead with an empty tank. Especially in times of crisis, a leader needs to take the time that is needed to care for his or her body, mind and soul. This could look like maintaining healthy disciplines, regular exercise and a good diet, or continuing to spend necessary rest time away from work and with family and friends. Spiritual disciplines are also necessary for regular daily life and are needed all the more in times of crisis. Don’t let those go.   I highly encourage you to check out podcast #175. On the podcast Tim shares a second story in which he successfully led a team through an unprecedented crisis, the entire episode is more than worth the listen.   I also want to highlight a few IOL quotes that Patrick shared on the podcast. Consider writing these down and posting them somewhere this week:   “It’s not your fault, but it is your problem.”   “More is caught than taught.”   “We all get punched. How do you react when life hits you in the mouth?”   As always, at IOL we’re here to remind you that you’re not alone. Are you walking through a crisis? In the throes of building that resiliency?  we’re here to help! Reach out! ###   This blog is based on IOL podcast episode #175: Resilience & Servant Leadership Builds Trust with Tim Hanley.   Author: Ashley Buenger